Posted by: paigeturner123 | December 21, 2009

Now.


If you’re really into timelines and stuff like that I’ve decided to update the “about me” section with that kind of information, starting with my thyroidectomy. I will have more appointments throughout the coming years to test my TSH levels. If they get too high that means the cancer is back and I will have to most likely go through the iodine treatment again unless it looks like it has affected the left lymph nodes. In that case, I’ll have to go through surgery again to take those lymph nodes out!

The thing that I find the most difficult right now is the whole not knowing thing. Not knowing if I will have to get more iodine treatment or surgery or whatever. It sounds so simple. I mean, I’m focusing on this one thing that I didn’t know I had until 3 months ago when I was in for a routine exam. Simple, because there are plenty of things I DON’T worry about. Really. I don’t worry about having enough food to eat (I know I’m lucky) or most of my basic needs like water or having a warm (or semi-warm) house to sleep in. I’m lucky that I don’t have to worry about those things. So, then, why must I worry about something I just will never know, not ever, for 100% certainty. And really, what do we know for certain in our small lives? Not much. I think you get the picture. This is just something that I am trying to work on. Accepting my circumstances today and really being OK with it. I have a feeling a lot of cancer patients or people with major medical issues think about this often, or at least try not to worry about it. As frustrating as it is, I know with 100% certainty that I only have control over myself and what I am thinking. I have to be OK with what tomorrow brings, but we aren’t there yet. It’s still today. That is why people say live it up! Live life to its fullest or get over it. Right. Now. I’ve said those phrases many times and meant them. So I will continue to say them and mean them and feel the conviction that life is what you make it. Oh how cliché it all sounds, but damn it, it’s true.

I’ll leave you with this: When I was 15 or 16 I wanted to get a “cool” tattoo of a snake with its tongue spelling out the word Truth (yes, with a capitol T). I had this conviction and hope about Truth. That feeling that anything can be solved with Truth dissolved somewhere in my freshman year of college, probably after that one philosophy class I took. I got other tattoos, ones that I still like; and while I’m glad I didn’t get the snake tattoo, I know it would not have killed me if I had. It would have evolved with me over time. Or at least, I could have made it evolve with me by covering it up somehow…That’s all I’m looking to do. Evolve into living day by day.

(I will upload a photo of the design for the snake tattoo soon, it’s a beauty)

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Responses

  1. Well, Christi, I just hope that the cancer never, ever returns. How soon do they start testing you, and how often?

    I can’t wait to see that snake tattoo!


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