Posted by: paigeturner123 | January 6, 2010

Past my bed time


I got some “not great” news today about my whole body scan. My reaction was very strong and it surprised me. What surprised me was that I was feeling really good about NEVER having to go through treatment again. I mean, I actually believed this. I saw myself running carefree through fields of lilacs– I laughed as the wind blew through my long hair (in my future I had long flowing hair). I wanted to believe in that reality rather than the reality that life isn’t about the nevers or the black and white or the whatever you want to call it… absolutes. There are none. So I freaked out a little, my eyes are puffy from crying at work and not being able to get much done because I was thinking too much. I want to solve this, but I can’t.

I like to solve things and with cancer, that isn’t really an option. I can’t solve cancer if cancer research hasn’t found something to cure it by now. I’ve always been this way. When a friend tells me about a problem or frustration, I want to help them figure out a way to “solve” their problem or at least help them figure out how to cope. It’s impulsive. I can’t not try to solve problems.

Why do I care about solving problems so much? I know what your thinking, it’s about control. Sure, I agree, but I don’t think that’s the whole picture. I think I truly want to help people (compassion is a good trait). If I could solve cancer, I’d be helping a lot of people, right? Okay, I’m being kind of facetious here. Now more than ever I’ve realized how grey everything is. Control and helping people are only two reasons I feel the impulse to try and solve problems. There is also satisfaction with the end result in having solved something or the relief that the problem is gone. It’s when that problem crops up again, that really bothers me. Am I talking in circles? Good. Problem solved.

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Responses

  1. What results did you get? I am guessing you had some cancer cells show up? Remember that the RAI is suppose to kill those cells, so hang in there, you’ll get thru this. You are a big inspiration for me, I just wanted to let you know that.

  2. It sounds like the waiting and the not-knowing have been the very worst parts of cancer for you. You’ve handled the diets, the radiation treatments, the surgery–everything–so well (or so it seems from the outside!). I don’t think it’s bad at all to want to control bad situations; it is natural.

    Anyway, what can we do about it?! And I ask this in a practical and not metaphysical way. What would make this any better or easier for you? Let me know! (Oh, and I’ll be gone for a week, so if you tell me something and then I don’t do it right away, please don’t get upset!)


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