Updates for this past week . . .
My second round of blood work came back much higher and this is infuriating because I would have been able to get my scan today, in fact, I would be leaving to go to my scan right now if my nurse had checked my original blood work earlier. OK, but I can’t dwell on that, can I?
My new scan date (sounds, fun, right?) is Wednesday the 9th. My face is puffy and I feel weird and kind of gross. I am having manic symptoms instead of the tiredness and fatigue. It’s sort of a weird manic though. Having trouble concentrating, sleeping, and not able to really read or process things as easily. I am also, above all else, an emotional roller coaster! Granted I have had some jarring news about my scan being postponed and just overall being unsure of the outcome of that scan and also PMSing to add to all of this!
Yesterday was my worst day yet. Up until then I had been doing quite well. It just came crashing down on me and I broke down with all the loss, sadness, and self directed anger that had been building for weeks. My mom got the brunt of that and second in line was the bf. I know I need more right now. I know I’m not always this needy. I know this will pass. I also know that I need to stay present. That is the key to all of this, redirect my thinking back to the present and keep moving forward. The next time you see me, remind me of this and in turn I will remind you of the same. It kind of sounds “hokey” (no, not honkey), but if you think about it, it is so easy to get lost in thought, feeling, and things that are not happening in this moment and that’s when you step onto the roller coaster. Once you step onto the roller coaster, it is harder to get off, but if you must get on you must also be able to get off or at least choose a small short one. Ride it for a short bit and then reroute and ride the lazy river ride into presence.
I just know this has helped me. I am feeling much better today. I allowed myself to ride the roller coaster (it was a longer one than I had realized) and then I slowed down and thought, really thought, about what was happening for me and realized that I had not been present in anything that was going on, therefore I felt out of control. Now, I am here, still out of control, but I am OK with that, and ever redirecting myself back into presence.