OK, so the title of this post isn’t exactly 100% true, but with something like cancer your reaction to good news can be a bit cagey at best.
I’ve had a few weird set backs in regards to my one year follow up scan. My blood work postponed my initial scan and then I had to get another scan because my system needed to be cleaned out a bit more in order for the radiologists to feel comfortable telling me my scan was 100% negative. Yes, I had TWO scans! Ugh. By the time everything was said and done I’m sure my thyroid stimulating hormones were well above 100. I am officially hypothroid and my system is slowing waaaaay down. It is hard to eat more than a little bit of food at a time because my digestion is so slow, but I know that each day that I am back on my medication and I am able to exercise a little more, the more I will get back on track in my daily life. This whole ordeal has taught me a lesson that I keep having to relearn . . . allow for error, plan less, and prioritize.
I am learning to streamline again. I got so busy with work, socializing and other activities in my life that when I couldn’t keep up it made me feel really bad about myself. When I am in tip top shape I can do so much, but I have not been in tip top shape for awhile now. There is nothing wrong with that, or me. I’ll get back there and I have the opportunity to listen to my body and my mind tell me what is important to me. At this point I’ve reminded myself that writing and exercising are the two most important things to me and I want to really continue to do those two things in a regular way. I am able to do those things and I am going to slowly work back up to exercising 3 times a week and writing 3 times a week. I am really close to finishing my 2nd novel and I want to get it to a good revised state (the first one never really went through a 1st revision).
Be good to yourself and allow yourself to heal. That is something I have to tell myself. All this should be (in an ideal world) seen though the filter of realism, not optimism or pessimism, but realism. Really, if you find that coping is easier to do through optimism, go with that, but I’ve learned that an overly optimistic perspective can lead you into a harsh reality when your expectations are dashed!
The good news is, my scan and blood work was negative for cancer– this time! I am happy, but there is still a lingering doubt that next time I won’t be so lucky and that, my friend, is reality.